


Survivor's Guilt

by Lucy_Claire



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 16:36:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5298527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucy_Claire/pseuds/Lucy_Claire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their first ever mission with casualties McCoy tries to help Kirk come to terms with what it means to be captain</p>
            </blockquote>





	Survivor's Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: 'it's okay to cry' requested by Tumblr user bee-lank

McCoy was about to drop from the exhaustion and the anxiety that wired him up whenever he got overworked. Still years after no-longer running his own practice he didn’t trust anyone to fully check on his patients but himself, so out of all the injured and shocked crewmen that came straight from their last disastrous mission, McCoy personally checked ninety-percent of them twice.

The other ten percent being himself, the ones who were knocked out and Jim. While he was rushing Ensign Fuller in on a stretcher McCoy had lost sight of the Captain and completely forgot about him until now.

Pushing his sweaty hair off his face, he made his way down the halls and up to the deck but he found Spock in the captain’s chair. 

“Where’s Jim?”

“Captain Kirk relieved himself of duty.”

McCoy was mildly annoyed that Jim decided to self-diagnose himself and end his shift without asking for his opinion or even bothering to stop by the Med Bay. Without another word he left down to the recreation room, hoping to find Jim either watching one of those ancient movies he liked so much or indulging in some fatty food he was usually banned from but he wasn’t there either. 

He checked nearly all of Jim’s haunts and asked the computer twice if he was in his room but got no answer. Wound up and completely annoyed, he went straight to Jim’s room and banged on the door. “Where do you get off relieving yourself of duty without consulting me?”

He got no answer. He banged on the door again. “I asked you a question, you corn-fed hick.”

A muffled  _“Bones, you’re from Georgia, you’re as much of a hick as I am,”_ was what he finally got out of him.

Growling, McCoy pressed further against the door and ordered, “Open the door, Jim.”

_“No.”_

“Jim!”

_“Go away, Bones, I’m not in the mood for your lectures.”_

That was it. McCoy quickly used his override command and rushed into the room before Jim could order it shut again. He took a deep breath, ready to vent out his frustration, but let it all out when he saw Jim curled in on himself at the foot of his bed, head hung low and legs pulled to his chest.

Like he was approaching a skittish colt, McCoy carefully and quietly approached Jim. He got down on his knees in front of him and quickly scanned him with his tri-coder. 

Jim smacked the device away. “I’m fine.”

“I’ll be the one to determine that,” McCoy grumbled, checking the results. “Huh,  you are pretty much fine.”

“Good. Give me the clean bill of health and go away.”

“Not unless you tell me what’s on your mind.”

Jim didn’t lift his face from his knees. “You’re my doctor not my shrink.”

“I’m worse than a shrink, I’m your friend. And the fact that I love your reckless ass enough to make your safety and sanity a twenty-four hour priority should earn me the right to pick your brain, especially if I think whatever your thinking might lead to you harming yourself.”

Jim said nothing to that.

“Hey, what is going on with you?”

“What do you think? I botched the mission today, nearly got us all killed, actually got a good few of us killed.”

Oh. So that’s what this was about.

McCoy tapped his tri-coder and pretended to read it. “Would you look at that, looks like I found your problem.”

Jim finally looked up, his eyes slightly red and his face flushed, he quickly rubbed them to get rid of any wetness and took a deep breath, putting on a brave, stoic face. “What?”

“Survivor’s guilt.”

“Bones, this isn’t funny.”

“It’s not funny, Jim, it’s fact. You did your best out there today, we came back with most of the landing party alive after the mission went wrong and we were all facing certain deaths.”

“I still lost a few good men.”

“Did you really think we’d go this entire mission with our entire crew intact? Anyone crazy enough to sign up for five years of traveling into deep space where no one can hear you scream knows that they have a fifty-fifty chance of dying. Those men knew what they signed up for.”

Jim shook his head and put his face in his knees again. “That doesn’t make it any better.”

“I’m not trying to make it better I’m trying to get you accept reality and that your obsession with no-win scenarios and being perfect and all that has got to stop, it’s unhealthy, and you know how I feel about you being unhealthy.”

Jim laughed tiredly. “I know. I know. I just don’t think I can face my crew after losing some of them, what if they lose faith in me? What if I can’t get over this? I’m having a hard enough time pulling myself together now.”

McCoy sighed. “Jim, look at me. Dammit, man, look at me.”

Jim raised his face, McCoy took a hold of chin lifted it so they were eye to eye, Jim’s stubborn suppression of his sadness showing in the unshed tears that probably burned his eyes. “It’s okay to not be okay. You’re not Spock, you’re human and you have the right to be upset.”

McCoy’s hand moved from his chin to his cheek, trying to give him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay to cry, you know.”

Jim shut his eyes and breathed out a shuddering breath as the tears finally left his eyes. He held McCoy’s hand in place the entire time he quietly broke down, taking whatever small comfort he could get from it.

“Feeling better?”

Jim wiped his eyes. “Yeah, I actually do.”

“See what happens when you let me do my damned job?”

Jim laughed and pressed his forehead against McCoy’s, still sniffling loudly, but finally smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [Tumblr](http://lucyclairedelune.tumblr.com)


End file.
